What Parents Must Know About Marshmallows, Tests, and S’ mores!
Posted on under Emotional Intelligence, General Parenting | 22 Comments
Marshamallows and Emotional Intelligence
It was 1972. Walter Mischel was a researcher at Stanford University and he was curious about the human ability to delay gratification. He gathered four year old children and one by one placed them in a room with a solitary marshmallow. The children were told that if they could refrain from eating the marshmallow while the researcher left the room (roughly 20 minutes), that they would be given a second marshmallow. About 30% of the children were able to wait. They along with the others were tracked for over 30 years and the tales of their lives are very telling. Let’s take a look.
Those children who were able to delay gratification showed higher levels of happiness emotionally and higher achievement academically. They had superior skills at managing personal and social stressors, had sharper focusing abilities, had lower levels of substance abuse, and enjoyed healthy, fulfilling relationships. Academically they boasted SAT scores that were, on average 210 points higher than the children who were not able to self regulate while in the grips of a tempting sugary delight.
Are you surprised? Self regulation and delayed gratification are both competencies of emotional intelligence skills. Countless global experts tell us that these skills create “happier”, more “successful” kids. These skills are clearly worth developing.
Now it would be easy if parents could simply mandate their kids to self regulate their urges. “Control yourself” or “just be patient” are two commands that come to mind. But since these character traits cannot be conjured in the time it takes to eat a marshmallow, we will have to institute measures to develop them in our kids. So we have reached the crux of this article. How exactly do we do this?
I believe it begins with a parent that is fully engaged with their child. Put the iPhone down and toss the newspaper aside. Get to your child’s level and teach them how to be patient so they can successfully delay gratification.
1. Be an example of patience. Kids are watching your every move. The “monkey, see monkey do” tendency in them will learn to whistle a favorite tune at the exceptionally long red traffic light, or to shriek or curse at it.
2. Communicate and teach them about alternatives. “Mary… I know you want to get that doll today, but you are going to have to wait until next week when it’s your birthday”. Until then, which of your other dolls would you like to play with?
3. Use fantasy. I know you really want the red toy truck. Wouldn’t it be great if you could have the red toy truck you want and I could have the red Ferrari I want?
4. Consider distractions. For younger children in particular, a different activity can create an “out of sight, out of mind” diversion. For example a child hungry for dinner that is 15 minutes away from being ready can be told, “No you can’t have a snack right now but we can color together until dinner is ready in 15 minutes.”
5. Praise is a powerful motivator. As always, it should be delivered with sincerity. Kids can see your adult artificiality with x-ray vision! Praise your children when you observe an honest effort at being patient, and self regulating their short term indulgences for their long term benefit. The key word here is effort. If it first they cannot succeed, encourage them to keep trying.
There’s one more thing I’d like to say about marshmallows. They are an essential ingredient in s’ mores. The individual who is in a rush to eat might just burn the marshmallow while the one who can delay gratification to slowly rotate the marshmallow over an open flame will find it a perfect golden brown, crisped on the outside, and delectably hot and gooey on the inside. It will melt the chocolate with ease to make this graham cracker sandwich a coveted campfire delight. How are your s’ mores turning out?
Please leave us a comment. We’d love to know what you think about marshmallows, tests, or s’ mores!
by Julie Weishaar, on August 2 2011 @ 12:45 pm
Hey Keyuri, I love S’mores
and your analogy of them to delayed gratification. Your points are excellent as always. Teaching by example is huge and I agree that distraction for the little ones works well too – after all – don’t they say something about the “attention span of a two-year old”? I think it becomes even more difficult for parents to instill the importance of delayed gratification today when we live in a society where everything is becoming easier and easier to get IMMEDIATELY and businesses are giving the consumers what they want. I think in a few years time we will all be able to live within the comfort of our cell phones! No one ever said the job of a parent was easy but if they heed your advice, they will at least be doing a lot of “right” things!
Julie Weishaar recently posted..LAUGH Gosh Darn It!
by on the ball parent coach, on August 2 2011 @ 1:06 pm
Thanks for your comment Julie. You raise an outstanding point that I wish I had included in the article. We really are living in a culture of “I want it right now” so it makes it that much more important to pay attention to these vital life skills. And… I’m with you on loving s’ mores. I’m great at patiently roasting my marshmallows but I need to work on limiting the number that I eat!
by Catarina Alexon, on August 2 2011 @ 1:42 pm
Keyuri, I’m not surprised at all with the findings. They make sense. If you cannot discipline and self motivate yourself your performance in life will be reduced.
Good suggestions you have for parents. Personally believe that most likely it’s only possible for a parent that’s loved, respected and sets a good example to influence their children in this respect.
by on the ball parent coach, on August 2 2011 @ 2:35 pm
Many thanks for stopping by Catarina. Role modeling has an incredible impact. I sometimes think that parents forget about this tool in their toolbox as they seek “external” solutions.
by Kim Lucak, on August 2 2011 @ 10:44 pm
I love the analogy with the marshmallows and s’mores! I am going to try this with my daughters!!! It makes so much sense, thank you!
by on the ball parent coach, on August 2 2011 @ 11:14 pm
Glad you liked it Kim. Thanks for stopping by.
by Sherryl Perry, on August 3 2011 @ 7:18 pm
What an interesting study Keyuri! Thanks for sharing. I think all 5 of your tips are valuable. My favorite is #1 – be an example. Children watch everything we do and they definitely learn by example.
Sherryl Perry recently posted..20 Tips to Help Protect Your Online Privacy
by on the ball parent coach, on August 3 2011 @ 8:09 pm
Thank you Sherryl!
by Susan Oakes, on August 3 2011 @ 9:56 pm
That is an interesting study and have to ask what are S’mores? Good tips for any parent to follow Keyuri
Susan Oakes recently posted..Your Attitude Can Affect Marketing Success
by on the ball parent coach, on August 3 2011 @ 10:07 pm
Okay… let’s introduce this delightful dessert to Australia! To make a s’ more you will need graham crackers, a chocolate bar (we use Hersheys milk chocolate) and a marshmallow. Start with a graham cracker, top it with a piece of chocolate that is almost the same size and top with a roasted marshmallow that is hot enough to melt the chocolate. Top it off with another piece of graham cracker so that you have a sandwich and enjoy!
Here, it is popular to roast the marshmallows at a campfire but any open flame works. Our favorite is the fireplace especially on a cool night. Try them out and let us know what you think.
And thanks for reading the post!
by Susan Oakes, on August 4 2011 @ 5:19 pm
I have learnt something new Keyuri and I can see they could become addictive. Thanks
Susan Oakes recently posted..Your Attitude Can Affect Marketing Success
by on the ball parent coach, on August 4 2011 @ 7:44 pm
You are right Susan. They ARE addictive. So I guess it’s fair to say that another aspect of emotional intelligence is self regulation on how many s’ mores we permit ourselves to eat. That, for me, is the hardest part!
by Dennis Salvatier, on August 10 2011 @ 1:56 pm
Very interesting topic. Months ago is when I started reading on this subject and on this experiment. It was amazing to see the amount of kids who were able to delay gratification. I think there is a very deep human instinct to get everything now, because on a subconscious level you know you may not be here tomorrow. Which is why people have trouble getting to the gym and eating better. It really is a fascinating topic. I really enjoyed this post.
Dennis Salvatier recently posted..How Do You Market a Monkey?
by on the ball parent coach, on August 10 2011 @ 2:26 pm
Dennis, you are right about instinct wanting things “right now.” It doesn’t help that we live in a society that promotes instant gratification. The good news is that we can still teach ourselves and our kids to “just say no and wait!”
by Jeannette Paladino
Twitter: jepaladino
, on August 10 2011 @ 3:55 pm
Keyuri – What a coincidence. I just returned from a vacation in Maine where my family and I sat by a fire and made s’ mores. I can honestly say I had never heard of them — but to your point about patience, it is required to get the marshmallows crisp and gooey before squeezing them between the chocolate and graham crackers. There were quite a few of us and it was interesting to observe who didn’t't wait for the marshmallow to turn a crispy brown and those who did.
Seriously, patience should not be confused with procrastination. If we wait for everything to be perfect before we act – the best blog post, the perfect new business presentation — we won’t meet our goals. So patience is a virtue — to a point.
Jeannette Paladino recently posted..Is Your Company Socially Media Savvy? Take the Quiz
by on the ball parent coach, on August 10 2011 @ 4:17 pm
Jeannette. You raise an excellent point about procrastination and it is vital to impart this to our youth. Thanks for your comment.
by Catherine Lockey, on August 21 2011 @ 2:55 pm
Very insightful post about emotional intelligence. As I was reading I remembered when my daughter was just three years old and I was watching her eat a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing. Slowly, bite by bite, she ate only the cake. I asked, “Don’t you want the icing?” She said, “I’m saving it for last because its the best part. As she grew, her SAT scores were 900 points higher than the average. Interesting correlation for sure. I don’t remember how I may have influenced her ability to delay gratification but I suggest to you that the delay itself was gratifying to her. On a different note, I’ve studied martial arts for years and I’ve noticed children who make the commitment to get their black belts all have the ability to delay gratification.
Catherine Lockey recently posted..How Does Linkedin Grow Your Business?
by on the ball parent coach, on August 21 2011 @ 4:58 pm
Catherine, Thanks for your comment. Though kids are born with personalities that nature has provided, the nurture part that you have provided likelyplays a strong part in your daughter’s ability to delay gratification. Even though you may not recall specific strategies at cultivating this, I bet that you have role modeled it… and that is huge in teaching kids.
My son is currently a brown belt… and probably a good 2 or 3 years away from testing for black. Indeed it is a long journey of committment and dedication. I know you know this since you recently got your black belt!
by Lynne, on July 3 2012 @ 5:25 am
I once conducted that experiment to my classmates as part of our lesson on Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence. There were a variety of reactions once I told them about the origin of the Marshmallow experiment.
by on the ball parent coach, on July 3 2012 @ 7:07 am
Thanks Lynn. I’m curious about what the reactions were.
by Lubna, on July 3 2012 @ 11:07 am
Hi Keyuri,
You have put across point 5 so aptly. Yes, kids can see through false artificial praise.
Praise is important to everyone, both kids and adults but only when actually deserved. I would also distinguish praise from encouragement. This is an interesting, useful post. Cheers.
Lubna recently posted..Poor Little Rich Slum
by on the ball parent coach, on July 3 2012 @ 12:28 pm
Thanks for your comment Lubna. You are spot on to point out that praise and encouragement are different and have different results for children.