The birthday celebration table was full of family and friends when eight year old Caroline blared “you’re so stupid” at her six year old brother.  He had just allowed a double scoop of chocolate ice cream to fall off of his cone and on to the carpet.  Before her mother could render the telltale parenting “apologize right now” glare, Caroline recalled her family doctrine.  The third entry states “The Hughes family will not publically “diss” or embarrass other family members.”  She swiftly turned to her brother and said “I’m sorry.  You’re not stupid.”   Mom breathed a sigh of relief.  The laminated piece of paper framed on their refrigerator door alleviated an escalation of sibling angst and the need for her to be the big bad consequence giver!

A family doctrine can be a vital tool in cultivating family harmony and positive values in kids. 

Not to be confused with a punishable set of rules, the doctrine is a type of mission statement for a family and is approached with an honor code mentality. 

Included in it are principles or values that all family members take pride in living by and by which they hold each other accountable.  Perhaps most importantly, it is a place of belonging.

Coaching families to create their family doctrine has yielded to them creative ideas not to mention loving bonds and the foundation for new traditions. 

Every New Year’s Day (and as needed in between) the Cruise family revisits their doctrine. It has become a coveted tradition.  This year, their tween, Josie, suggested “The Cruise family will perform two R.A.C.K.s (random acts of caring kindness) every week.”  The acronym stands for Random Act of Caring Kindness.  Josie added the word “caring” because it reflected the value she calls “meaning it” otherwise known to adults as “sincerity.”   The family of five agreed that R.A.C.K.s were very achievable with simple acts such as taking someone else’s grocery cart from the parking lot back in to the store, putting a  family member’s shoes away without being asked, or simply smiling and saying a prayer so that even a grouchy stranger could find a better mood.   The Cruise’s agreed to share their R.A.C.K.s over family dinners.

After Mr. Baylor’s birthday was minimally acknowledged by his children, the Baylor family decided to honor all birthdays with a handmade card.  It didn’t matter if it was made from a sheet of white, lined paper.  They decided the heart inspired message is what mattered most.  They identified that the underlying value of love was what they were honoring. 

After identifying the value of integrity, the Menon family decided they would not lie (not even little white ones!).  The exception to this rule would be fooling each other to throw the perfect surprise birthday party!  Of course, when their 2 year old munchkin grows and tests his limits, they will be challenged.  Periodic lying is normal for children and Mr. and Mrs. Menon will have their work cut out for them to set limits and enforce them consistently.  Their family doctrine will help. Imagine the lessons this child will surely come to appreciate and be appreciated for.

Creating a family doctrine begins with the simple step of identifying values. 

Even one endearing value from each family member can generate a creative plan of action that builds character and so much more. 

Parents know that they are teaching their children productive life skills.  They also find that the simple sentence, “what does our family doctrine say?” often diffuses tense situations. 

Children find that some difficult choices are easier when they use the doctrine.  It can be a safe haven from which they can govern themselves positively.   When families routinely visit their doctrines, they set the stage to reflect upon their growth and celebrate successes.  Why not include celebrations in the family doctrine!

Creating a family doctrine is a meaningful endeavor that leads to a meaningful legacy.

“If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything!”  (Quote author unknown)

Stand strong!

Reader comments are cherished! Please tell us about your ideas and successes.

The title for this post is inspired by Linked-IN’s “Brain
Insights”, a group about Brain Development and Positive Parenting.  There, a talented group of experts connected to
discuss their strong beliefs regarding the perils of screen time in toddlers
and infants.

“Inspire the Genius” and “It’s Cool to be Smart” are
marketing messages of the Vinci Touch Screen Learning System (recommended age 4
and under).  These messages are designed
to target the emotions of parents who then open wallets and recklessly spend
$479 for the promise of “genius.” 

To Vinci’s credit some of their other products have earned
awards and their website clearly states the following:  “The American
Academy of Pediatrics recommends no TV watching before a child reaches the age
of 2.”  But Vinci left out some very
important sentences.

The full statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics
(AAP) reads as follows:  The American
Academy of Pediatrics recommends no television or screen media such as computer
games, videos, or DVDs for children under 2. For children over age 2, the
recommendation is 1 to 2 hours per day for television or any screen media.  

Imagine that!  Vinci posted
only part of the AAP’s statement because they don’t want potential buyers to
know that their touchpad is on the banned list of “all” screen media for
children under age two!

It comes as no surprise that the Campaign
for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC) has awarded the Vinci Touchpad as
their 2012 TOADY (Toys Oppressive And Destructive to Young Children) otherwise
known as “the worst toy of the year.”   This organization gripes that the Vinci will
“virtually lobotomize an infant.”

That allegation is likely made because research tells us
that whether children are in infancy, toddlerhood, or of school age, that an unprecedented
amount of screen time is thwarting healthy brain development.  While parents buy computer devices with hopes
to make their child smarter they are overlooking other important parts of the
brain growth that require the kind of nurturing that electronics simply cannot
accomplish. 

Not only are excessive hours of electronic usage robbing
children of emotional and social nurturing time through human contact, they are
also poised to cause future damage.

A recent New York
Times article cites numerous researchers warning that too much screen time
actually decreases a child’s attention span, creates an environment where
children “find the realities of the world underwhelming and under-stimulating” and
may be a contributing factor to the skyrocketing diagnosis of ADHD.  Even childhood obesity has been blamed on
children plastered in front of televisions for hours on end.

The research is boundless but enough said!  There are five suggestions below that parents
can implement immediately to influence healthy brain development in children of
all ages.

Follow the AAP
guidelines no matter what it takes! 

Stubbornly refuse to let a child under age 2 get near screens of any
type. Strictly limit screen time after age 2.

Replace screen time with play time as frequently as possible. 

Hurried lifestyles and adult dependence on
screen time as “entertainment” have robbed children of essential play.  In a 10 page report, the AAP states “play
is so important to optimal child development that it has been recognized by the
United Nations High Commission of Human Rights as a right for every child.”  Consistent play times with loving caregivers
provide children with the right kind of brain development not just cognitively,
but emotionally and socially. Kids can grow bonds and trusting relationships
with their caregivers.  Play allows children
to learn how to interact with real people and real situations. They learn to
manage difficult emotions and learn competencies that will help them when they
face future challenges.  For example, with
an adult’s help, three year old Johnny learns how to manage when Steven swipes
his toy truck.  18 month old Penny learns
how to clap for herself by following the cues of her caretaker.  She’s building her confidence too!  The life skills required to successfully
navigate the game of life are born out of play. 
And playtime is free!  It doesn’t
cost anything to stack plastic containers from a kitchen cabinet, or dance to
music in a living room.

Do not use screens as
a babysitter! 

Do not use screens as a
babysitter!  Do not use screens as a
babysitter!  CCFC was right.  You might as well “lobotomize” your child!  Developing brains need as much quality human
contact as possible.

Be present when your child is using any kind of screen
device.  

The prefrontal cortex is the
area of the child’s brain that discerns “good from bad”, “right from wrong”,
“risk versus safety” etc. and will not fully develop until the mid 20’s. This
means children need adult guidance to help them make sense of concepts
applicable to their real world.  So while
a 5 year old hears a good message about values from the television show “Arthur”,
he or she still needs a loving adult to help them apply the concept into
reality.

Consider your grandparents’ ideas. 

Generations ago, there were creative
solutions for passing time in a car or an airplane.  Coloring and story books created a new and brilliant
generation in which you, dear reader, are included!  Today many parents covet travel time as an
“electronics free zone” in which they can learn about “stuff” in their child’s
world.  Yes, parents can actually start
conversations in which they learn about their child’s thoughts, ideas,
opinions, grievances, and joys about millions of possible subjects. Why not
capitalize on this window of opportunity to share your commonalities, debate
your differences, guide your child’s maturity, or simply bond.

So in the end, parents can certainly choose to splurge on
the $479 Vinci touchpad. If used as the only screen resource within the
recommendations of the AAP, maybe, just maybe, it might serve a little short
term value.  Used between ages 2 and 4 it
ends up costing 66 cents a day monetarily. How much will it cost if parents
allow it to become a babysitter? 

Reader comments are cherished. 

Thanksgiving is the quintessential American holiday that heartily welcomes one and all to engage in at least two ubiquitous human practices; eating good food, and of course, giving thanks. 

If we ponder just those two things, we notice that the typical family eats three times a day and gives thanks… well… hmmm?   How often are we really giving thanks?  Surely it is not just on Thanksgiving Day!  Most would agree that this noble act “should be”, “ought to be” practiced daily.  And I agree!

Parents and children alike have much to gain by conscientiously giving thanks.  Research proves it!

According to Psychology Today, participants in a study about gratitude reported greater levels of optimism, positive mood, and feelings of belongingness. 

These individuals were more likely to help someone struggling with a personal problem by rendering emotional support with pro-social behavior.  Study participants also complained of less physical pains and boasted better sleep.  And guess what?  All these benefits came without lifting an elbow, finger, knee, or toe for exercise!  That alone makes me feel thankful!

Ah yes! “Feeling” thankful is as important as “thinking” thankful.  When you are authentically thankful, where do you feel it in your body?  Do your shoulder’s drop?  Maybe you are like me and you sense warmth over your heart.  Some of you may feel the corners of your mouth form a smile while others will inhale, and then exhale deeply with content.  Psychological well being doesn’t just have to come from our thoughts; it is accompanied by gratified emotions that are sensed by our bodies.  Go ahead.  Sense yours!

You’ve heard the saying “It takes 30 days to make a habit.” 

This November I’d like to invite you and your family to join me for 30 days of giving thanks.  Let’s not wait for a New Years “resolution” to experience psychological, social, and or physical benefits.

Starting today November 1^st, ask each member of your family to verbalize something that they are thankful for.  This five minute family conversation not only allows joyful bonding, it opens windows of opportunity for parents to learn more about their children’s thoughts and emotions.  What a great forum to praise or guide your children as they mature!

Your family’s thanks can include joyful occurrences or difficult life lessons that allowed your wisdom to grow.  You can be humorous, serious, or exuberant.   Your may express a current experience or one that you recall from the past.  It should, however, be sincere.

Here is an example of something I’m grateful for.  Last year Atlanta was hit by an ice storm.  While that is not unusual, the fact that the ice didn’t melt for six days was highly atypical.   After being stranded in our homes for nearly a week, we finally headed out to run an errand.  Another car decided to pass us on what turned out to be a slick patch of ice.  Yup… you guessed it.  His car slammed right into ours.  I was thankful that no one was hurt.  But that’s not where my thanks stopped.  My son was with us.  He had just received his driver’s permit and this experience taught him several lessons including what not to do in challenging road conditions, and the steps to take when one has a car accident.  Lastly, the gentleman who caused the accident took full responsibility for his actions and that fueled my faith that good honest people do exist in the world.

The accident was a dark cloud with several bright silver linings.  It taught me to remember to always seek the good in any difficult situation and I’m thankful for that lesson too!

So what about you?  What example of thanks will you share with your own family today?  How will all of you become a deep well of support and inspiration, poised to benefit each other and those around you?  

Please share your thoughts and thanks in our comments section!  Oh… and THANK YOU!

Curious parents want to know! 

What’s really going on when my kids are at school?  What do they think of their friends, bullies, class clowns, teachers, lessons, lunch or recess?   More importantly, when I ask my kids about how their day went, how do I get them to say more than “fine” or “good?”

Here is a small sampling of questions to jumpstart meaningful dialogue between parent and child.  Pick one or pick them all.  Just don’t pick them all at once or you’ll raise your kids’ suspicions and make them steer clear of your “interrogation!”

ABOUT PEERS and FRIENDS: 

•  Who decides what to do at recess?  What makes it fun?  Who or what makes it stressful?
•  Who did you eat lunch with today?  Do you eat with the same kids every day or do you mix it up?  Can anyone join you at lunchtime or do   they need (a ringleader’s) “permission?”
•  What do you do to welcome the new kids at your school?  When are you a leader?  When are you a follower?  What makes you a good leader?
•  Which of your friends would you nominate as “The Best School Citizen?”  What characteristics qualify them to earn this award?
•  What characteristics do your friends appreciate about you?

ABOUT BULLIES and STRESS:

• Which kids get in trouble the most at school?  On the bus?  Who / what situation challenges you the most?  Why?
• If you could teach these kids a thing or two about staying out of trouble what would you teach them? 
• What do you think makes bullies act the way they do?  What makes you angry about bullies?  What makes you feel sorry for them?
• What one thing do you regret saying or doing to another student?  What would you do differently next time?
• Name three things would make school less stressful.

IN THE CLASSROOM:

• What teacher deserves a raise?  What makes their class fun?  What helps you to learn most effectively?
• What class / teacher challenges you the most?  If you were the teacher in this class, what would you do differently?
• Who makes the class laugh?  What makes this disruptive or fun for you?
• Without actually doing your homework for you, what can I do to help you do your best?
• Name three things that make you look forward to school.

Your children’s answers to these questions are insights as to how they make observations, formulate judgments, feel emotions, and make decisions.  Remember to keep your questions open ended by starting them with “who”, “what”, “where”, “how”, “when”,  “tell me more about…” or “describe….”  Though kids can still give you short answers, it will be harder for them!  Ask the questions in light-heartedly in a calm, relaxed setting and you’ll likely get some solid information.  Not only will you learn more about your child’s school life, hopefully you’ll learn new things about their personality and preferences.  Then, you can capitalize on opportunities to guide and teach them how to navigate the game of life. 

Please visit our comments section and let us know how these questions worked for you.  Feel free to add your ideas to the lists so we can learn from each other.

“Look!” “Lauren is wearing Ugg boots.” “She thinks she’s hot so let’s teach her a lesson and just ignore her!” (Lauren got the boots as a gift from her grandmother. She was nervous about wearing them because she usually doesn’t wear designer brands.)

“Josh’s dad drives him to school when he lives only a few blocks away and could walk.” “What a lazy loser!” (Josh’s peers don’t know that he has a fragile bone disease and that doctors have asked him to avoid tripping and falling on uneven sidewalks.)

“Those kids get straight A’s.” “They’re such bookworm nerds!” “No wonder they have no real friends.” (The straight A students are funny and personable if only some of their peers would give them a chance.)

We all pass judgment. Sometimes it can serve as a 6^th sense that protects us from danger. Most of the time however, passing judgment is an unjust allegation. Kids in particular observe something and make up their minds about it before acquiring any facts. Their observation is a mere sliver of the big picture. Kids then go on to express this observation as an assumption using words that can be hurtful because they are not necessarily true. The words in turn can become nasty rumors and lead to schoolyard pranks that hurt, alienate, or otherwise harass the person being judged. Suddenly an innocent child is subject to teasing or full-fledged bullying. So what can we do to help?

Parents and teachers can choose from an array of ideas to help their kids to be fair and friendly instead of judgmental. My new favorite is the old classic video of Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent. I know. You’ve already seen it, but would you please consider watching it again with your kids or students beside you? Pay close attention to the judges and the audience. Assess their facial expressions and ponder what they might have been thinking both before and after Ms. Boyle sings. Then ask the kids what they observed. Query them on how passing judgment can be unfair. Ask why one of the judges called the incident “the biggest wake-up call ever.”

To really connect with your kids, consider sharing your own experiences related to passing judgment or being the recipient of it. Then ask them to share theirs. You might just learn something new about their “secret” life at school, sports or other extracurricular activities. Lastly, solicit your children’s solutions. Gandhi said “Be the change that you want to see in the world.” How do your children think they can be that change?

It takes a village so let’s support one another. After you watch the video http://youtu.be/RxPZh4AnWyk please come back and leave us a comment of the wisdom you and your children shared.

Marshamallows and Emotional Intelligence

It was 1972.  Walter Mischel was a researcher at Stanford University and he was curious about the human ability to delay gratification.  He gathered four year old children and one by one placed them in a room with a solitary marshmallow.  The children were told that if they could refrain from eating the marshmallow while the researcher left the room (roughly 20 minutes), that they would be given a second marshmallow.  About 30% of the children were able to wait.  They along with the others were tracked for over 30 years and the tales of their lives are very telling.  Let’s take a look.

Those children who were able to delay gratification showed higher levels of happiness emotionally and higher achievement academically.  They had superior skills at managing personal and social stressors, had sharper focusing abilities, had lower levels of substance abuse, and enjoyed healthy, fulfilling relationships.  Academically they boasted SAT scores that were, on average 210 points higher than the children who were not able to self regulate while in the grips of a tempting sugary delight. 

Are you surprised?  Self regulation and delayed gratification are both competencies of emotional intelligence skills.  Countless global experts tell us that these skills create “happier”, more “successful” kids.  These skills are clearly worth developing.

Now it would be easy if parents could simply mandate their kids to self regulate their urges.  “Control yourself” or “just be patient” are two commands that come to mind.  But since these character traits cannot be conjured in the time it takes to eat a marshmallow, we will have to institute measures to develop them in our kids.  So we have reached the crux of this article.  How exactly do we do this?

I believe it begins with a parent that is fully engaged with their child.  Put the iPhone down and toss the newspaper aside.  Get to your child’s level and teach them how to be patient so they can successfully delay gratification. 

1.        Be an example of patience.  Kids are watching your every move.  The “monkey, see monkey do” tendency in them will learn to whistle a favorite tune at the exceptionally long red traffic light, or to shriek or curse at it. 

2.       Communicate and teach them about alternatives.  “Mary… I know you want to get that doll today, but you are going to have to wait until next week when it’s your birthday”.  Until then, which of your other dolls would you like to play with?

3.       Use fantasy.   I know you really want the red toy truck.  Wouldn’t it be great if you could have the red toy truck you want and I could have the red Ferrari I want? 

4.       Consider distractions.  For younger children in particular, a different activity can create an “out of sight, out of mind” diversion.  For example a child hungry for dinner that is 15 minutes away from being ready can be told, “No you can’t have a snack right now but we can color together until dinner is ready in 15 minutes.”

5.       Praise is a powerful motivator.  As always, it should be delivered with sincerity.  Kids can see your adult artificiality with x-ray vision!  Praise your children when you observe an honest effort at being patient, and self regulating their short term indulgences for their long term benefit.  The key word here is effort.  If it first they cannot succeed, encourage them to keep trying.

There’s one more thing I’d like to say about marshmallows.  They are an essential ingredient in s’ mores.  The individual who is in a rush to eat might just burn the marshmallow while the one who can delay gratification to slowly rotate the marshmallow over an open flame will find it a perfect golden brown, crisped on the outside, and delectably hot and gooey on the inside.  It will melt the chocolate with ease to make this graham cracker sandwich a coveted campfire delight.  How are your s’ mores turning out?

Please leave us a comment.  We’d love to know what you think about marshmallows, tests, or s’ mores!

Back talk from kids rears its ugly head to annoy, challenge, and sometimes even embarrass parents.  It doesn’t just come from teenagers, even tiny tots catch on to “sassing” their parents.  Luckily, parents can remedy this surly syndrome.  Let’s jump right with the following tips.  As always, take what works and toss what doesn’t. You’re the parent and you get to decide!

1.  It is important to note that kids who back talk are normal.  This is part of their natural desire to grow toward independence.  Since they learn by trial and error, they are testing their limits to see what works and what doesn’t.

2.  Try not to snap back at your child.  Doing so will justify their behavior and procure more of it.  Instead of getting annoyed with them, try looking at the situation as an opportunity to teach.  (This won’t work all the time, but the more you try, the better you will get at it.)

3.  Rule out hunger or fatigue as catalysts for back talk or any other unpleasant behavior.  Physical discomforts would make anyone cranky and short tempered.  Then, set rules and limits that work best for your family.  Experts advise that kids actually want limits set for them so that they can help themselves self regulate.  Here is what a limit might sound like.  “In this family, we speak with courtesy and a pleasant tone of voice.  Talking back with rude words, tones, or gestures will not be tolerated.”

4.  Teach your child how you would like them to express themselves including a courteous tone of voice, pleasant facial expressions, and civilized body language.  This might seem like common sense, but remember that what your children learn from the media and some of their friends is anything but common sense or common courtesy!  Of course the more you role model high-quality communication the more you’ll be able to teach by example.  Your child’s brain does not just learn by listening to what you say, it learns by observing what you do.

5.  Empathize with your child.  Okay, I know!  The last thing you want to do when you’ve just been sassed is to be empathetic but try for just a moment try to actually feel the frustration that is making your child talk back.  I’m not saying you must agree with them; just try to understand where they are coming from. It is very likely that the back talk was provoked by a strong emotion such as anger, disappointment, or frustration. Once you identify why your child is having a strong emotion resulting in back talk, you both can lay the groundwork for problem solving both.

6.  Use empathy again, but this time as a teaching tool.  Ask your child how he would feel if his closest friends or family addressed him with back-talk.  Of course, this step is best done when your child is calm and not talking back!  It is a step that can allow for bonding between parent and child.  Building empathy takes time but is a key competency of emotional intelligence and it addresses how we communicate with each other.  With your patience and persistence it can work wonders.

7.  Age appropriate consequences should be delivered for the child who continues with back talk.  Remember though that consequences only work for parents who commit to enforce them with consistency.  If you don’t do this, you are teaching your child that your rules are meaningless and that you can be manipulated.  Not good!

8.  If you catch your child regressing a bit but the circumstance isn’t severe enough to be enforced with a firm consequence, consider this simple question as a gentle reminder:  “How do you speak to me?”

9.  Kids are smart and sensitive.  They can pick up on insincerity so please sincerely PRAISE your child when you see that he /she has made improvements.  “I really like the calmness and maturity with which you expressed yourself.”  “I’m proud of your efforts.” Watch the pride on your child’s face when positive feedback is rendered.

10. After you praise your kids, please praise yourself.  The steps outlined above require patience and persistence often in very grueling emotional situations.  Parenting is the hardest job on the planet, and you just advanced the success in yours.  BRAVO!

Over to you.  How do you handle back talk with your kids?  Did your parents have tricks that worked on you when you were growing up?  We’d love to hear your thoughts in our comments section.

This is a repost of a June 2010 article in honor of Father’s Day.

I love to laugh, especially at imaginative and funny TV commercials. However lately, I’ve seen a disturbing trend in the ones that poke fun at men and fathers as if they were congenital dunces!  In fact, this actually worries me!

Okay… I get it! Women, as statistical facts indicate, are the major decision makers in most households so these TV ads are aimed at women not necessarily to denigrate men, but to play on women’s emotions in hopes that they’ll slice the family savings account for products and services.  One has to wonder though, when the subliminal types of messages with their disparaging facial expressions, belittling body language or overt condescending language toward men become part of our everyday thinking.  Are women and girls being beguiled to disvalue boys and men?  I certainly hope not; because eventually these girls and boys will marry, and they must know how to respect and honor each other for their nuptials to have a chance, and to set a high-quality example for their own kids.

Over the last few decades, women’s roles have grown exponentially outside of the home yet they have also maintained their domestic role and maternal inclinations of child rearing.  For this they deserve immense respect.  In fairness to men, their growth also deserves respect.  I am pleased to see many movements where men embrace their vital role as parent, express detachment from their traditional role of “breadwinner” and share domestic responsibilities.  So why, when so many men are trying so hard, is there a culture that mocks them?  Why do the TV media, extreme feminists, and Hollywood starlets purposely choosing single parenthood, perpetuating trends that advocate the “I don’t need a man mentality?  I’m all for the independence of any given individual but when it comes to rearing children, both a mother and a father are ideal.

Research supports my belief that men, generally speaking, deserve to be respected (even if a woman can do their job) and fathers deserve to be heartily defended for their roles, which frankly, women cannot replicate!

Psychologist John Gottman outlines research stating that even though mothers generally spent more time with kids than fathers, that the quality of interaction provided by fathers was a more powerful predictor of the child’s later success or failure with school and friends.   It was believed that fathers have this extreme influence on their children because their particular type of bonding evoked powerful emotions in kids.   It is important to note, however, that a physically present dad didn’t create this research finding, but that the emotionally present dad did!  So kudos to dads who choose to be present in this manner!

This is further supported by the following research based facts listed at the National Fatherhood Initiative.

• The National Center for Educational Statistics reported that when fathers are involved in their children’s education, the kids were more likely to get A’s, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities.
• Kids with engaged fathers demonstrate “a greater ability to take initiative and evidence self-control.”
• When these boys grew up, they were more likely to be good dads themselves.

But when fathers are devalued, here’s the result:

• Their children have a higher rate of asthma, headaches, anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
• Teenagers are at greater risk of alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drug use, and suicide
• Adolescent girls are 3 times more likely to engage in sexual relations by the time they turn 15 and 5 times more likely to become a teen mother.

Here’s more:  In 1996, Duncan, et. al. found that “For predicting a child’s self esteem, it is sustained contact with the father that matters for sons, but physical affection from fathers that matters for daughters.”

The list proving a father’s worth goes on and on so I felt it was important enough to write about.  And the timing seems right since Father’s Day is fast approaching.

In fairness to the moms (remember that I’m one too) you bet you matter by leaps and bounds!  But we have to realize it isn’t a race about who’s a better person or parent.  Each of us has a vital role to play in the lives of children and sometimes, circumstances create it so that a dad just can’t be present.  If your child’s dad is missing in action because of necessary travel, divorce, death, or simply detachment, then you are my hero for doing the job solo.  However, when Dad is around and doing his job, try not to let those derogatory TV commercials subtly get to you.   Value your children’s Dad and remember to thank him.  And know that your kids are watching your every move.  If you treat men respectfully, they will learn to do the same.

Please don’t treat Dad like the babysitter with a list of instructional do’s and don’ts.  Allow his personality to shine in his own unique way.  You might just find that the man will surprise you when he’s allowed to think and act for himself.  After all, what’s more important?  A father feeling good about spending time with kids, or worrying about “mom” reaming him out because little tikes ears weren’t cleaned well enough?  Mom needs to be Dad’s partner, not his gatekeeper.

So on this upcoming Father’s Day, I’d like to thank not only my husband who is a fantastic Dad, but all the men, who give of themselves not just physically, but emotionally, to nurture their kids into happy, successful citizens of our world.  Good job Dads!  Keep up the great work!  Our future generations depend on it!

Reader comments are cherished.  Please share yours.

The lazy hazy days of our kids’ summer vacations are nearly upon us.  While summer is meant to be brimming with fun, the words “lazy” and “hazy” plague many parents.  They complain about “lazy” kids who just want to “chill”, and then they worry about the impact of personal sluggishness and absent academics.  Parents feel “hazy” attempting to manage free-for-all schedules, as well as the chaos of getting in and out of suitcases, vacations, camps, and the “I’m bored” melodrama.

Well I’m not promising a magic potion for “lazy and “hazy”, but these ideas might just help parents to feel a little more in control.  

 1.       The busiest moms and dads can salvage sanity with the use of lists.   Is creating one a hassle?  Your problem is solved by visiting www.listbean.com.  This free website has the most comprehensive list of checklists that can assist anyone to contain ideas, needs, and tasks in one organized place.  Use them for anything including teaching your children to pack their own bag for vacation, summer camp, or a sleepover at grandmas.  Not only are you teaching them about organization and personal responsibilities, you are lightening your parental workload at the same time.  Uh-huh, you heard me!  This summer is about your parenting sanity and this post is dedicated to YOU!

2.       Did I just say “lighten your workload?”  You betcha!  Assign daily summer chores to your kids!  A good friend of mine grew up as one of seven children.  Every day during summer break, her parents left a list of chores that each child was responsible for.  From yard work, laundry, vacuuming, or preparing for dinner, these kids all grew up having an appreciation for domesticity, personal responsibility, and family team work.  Oh, and if the kids didn’t do what they were assigned, they learned about accountability and consequences from their parents who vowed to be consistent, yet loving disciplinarians!  Each of these seven kids grew up with no understanding of what it meant to be “lazy” or “unproductive.”  Today all seven are not just self made successes; they are highly productive and respected members in their communities.  Kudos to their parents!

3.       Many parents want their kids to use their noodles during summer break.  No, not the kind you float on in the pool, but the one that grows in between their ears.  The planet’s best research reports that parents who require children to read in the summer actually advance the children’s literacy and academic performance.  Furthermore, instruction to “go read for an hour” is good ammunition for parents to squelch the drones of “I’m bored.”  Age appropriate book lists are available from your child’s school, the public library, bookstores, or a quick internet search.  Helpful tips include allowing your child to select both fiction and nonfiction books that interest them, set goals as to how many they would like to read each week, and add newspapers and magazines for variety.  Most importantly, consider reading some books out loud as a family.  Author Jim Trelease has an entire book devoted to this subject.  It is called The Read Aloud Handbook and it happens to be a New York Times bestseller because of its valuable not to mention delightful content.  (I gift a copy to every expecting mom that I know.)

4.       Do the things that you don’t have the time or patience to do in the school year. Split this one up in to fun things, and not so fun but necessary tasks.  Whether you teach your children how to make a banana split, have a friendly water balloon fight, clean out closets, feed the homeless, cook together, garden together, or just watch fireflies, do it together.  Let the gift of time, and your united spirits create the finest family bonding that you’ve ever experienced.

5.       Okay… so your kids are off for 3 months.  This doesn’t mean you have to tend to their whims or entertain them 24/7/365.  Parents have to take care of themselves in order to take care of their kids.  If you don’t know the importance of this or how to do it, please read about The Parenting Oxygen Mask.

What would you add to this list?  Scroll down to our comments section and share your ideas to grow happy yet productive kids, peaceful parents, family harmony, and the best summer ever!

In an effort to pursue several career projects that are near and dear to my heart, I have elected to temporarily reduce the frequency of my blog posts to once monthly.  Please do stay subscribed to receive future posts by email, and know that your feedback in the comment section is welcome and cherished.  My sincere thanks to you for being a reader and supporter.  See you soon.

Warmly,

Keyuri